Soulmate

Having a soul mate is completely different than falling in love or loving someone. I believe you can love anybody on this earth and falling in love is something that just kind of happens. We unintentionally find ourselves focusing on this person and figuring out what we can do to make this person happy. Now having a soul mate is magical. You think empathy is something then don’t know what having a soulmate is like. It’s scary and awesome at the same time. I’m the type that wants what a want and nobody can change what I want. Unfortunately my husband does not want the same things for me as I want, and this is when it gets scary. I’m a little hard headed so when he tells me know I just keep talking until he says okay baby do whatever you want. I already know I forced him into it and here I am happy and skipping to go get this dog, tattoo, registering for school whatever it may be. You would think I knew better we been together for almost 10 years now. Well it all fails, I mean all of it. My tattoo is infected or I hate it and I can’t finish school. I wanted to go so bad, then I couldn’t get my final to submit on time and I fail the class, making me own financial aid and not able to take my next class. I get the dog and it keeps running away, getting sick and now my other dog is sick and I have to figure out whats wrong with him. I take the other dog back because this is not going to work with Royal needing extra love and care right now. Now I’m sad and without my girl dog I’ve been wanting for a few years now. ( I mean we decided no more kids so Bella Cheyenne Elise Walker was suppose to be my last child.)  Not just these things but when he’s away to long I get sick, I mean really sick. Stomach in knots, I have nausea, head is spinning, I might even throw up,etc. Don’t let him be upset, cause now I can’t even focus. Hell, I’m as mad as he is. Most of the time he mad at me and I’m mad at him for being mad. Lol I can’t stand it and lord please don’t let him not be talking to me. Keep on and I will throw up right on you, stop making me sick! Some people say I’m just crazy but I say it’s because I can not stand him not being happy at all times. I hurt because he hurts, it’s nothing I can make up it just happens. If he’s having a day I feel it and send a message he was just thinking about or needed. Baby, I am not a mind reader but I just know.

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Believe…

I was watching Jane The Virgin and a episode where the twins told Mateo there was no tooth fairy broke my heart. I totally get that people do not want to lie to their children, I’m so not one of those people. I love the things we believe in before we know better. The fact that we believe a little fairy sneaks into our houses at night to exchange a tooth with money is so sweet. Innocence is what makes a child so sweet. As adults we have to rationalize everything that happens which usually ruins all the fun. I don’t want to be one of those adults that takes that away from a child. If they start to question the tooth fairy then they question the Santa, and after a while they can’t even imagine the dinosaurs in the living room. Children will eventually have to start rationalizing things, it’s so cute watching them grow. Why not wait for it to happen naturally? I understand that beliefs get in the way and all that but come on, it can’t hurt then. I love the looks on my babies faces during Christmas when they see all these gifts from some awesome dude name Santa, who felt like they were good enough for gifts. Even if I didn’t believe in Jesus, which I do I would still let the celebrate. Magic is something to believe in, the beginning of growing faith.  

 

Happy Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is hard. I want to celebrate but I can’t help being sad for all the people without their mother’s. This holiday is so all in your face no one can ignore it. I am blessed to have my mother. I celebrate her everyday by listening to her complain and calling her when I don’t really want anything and trying to make her come over for no real reason but I just want her there. We have to appreciate people while we can. But be sensitive because this day is hard for a lot of people. I want to believe that even when your mother is gone she can still hear you, because she is mother and that never stops. Love her through your life. And if you never knew her I bet she can still fell you some how so don’t be angry with her, love her because she gave you life. Mother’s are special because their love is with you even if their not, Happy Mother’s Day!

Give me a sign…

I’m a sign girl… So I’m always looking up to sky saying give me a sign Lord, and it has never failed. I always look forward to a sign to reassure me that I’m moving in the right direction. Some times I get a sign and need a bigger sign lol. I know God is tired of me! When I thought my husband would never ask me to marry him I was so annoyed. I’m just like “God why would you even tell me he was my husband if he’s never going to be ready to be.” He proposed the next few days, why hadn’t I asked sooner? I’m so dramatic I know but I just hate to make the wrong move. I knew I wasn’t suppose to be with my child’s father and I prayed about it, same night I had a dream that told me to run and never look back. Then later on I needed another sign so I wouldn’t go back, smh. When my job gets to stressful and I feel like giving up I ask for a sign. The numbers on the clock align and I just eat that up, knowing a change is about to come and oh do they come all at once. I am telling you, life is so magical when you believe that God is real, and listening and inside of you. I’ve had plenty people try to take that away from me, but there is no way I would ever give that up. Even the church tried to put doubt in my heart but when you know something for yourself on a very personal level, there is nothing anyone can do or say to change your mind. You just know what you know and when you don’t you ask for a sign.

?Unidentifiable Stage?

Sometimes I find myself in a really awkward spot. Like I don’t know if I’m sad I just know I’m not happy. I can’t write anything or concentrate on my books. (which I absolutely love) I just don’t know what I’m doing with my life. All of sudden I question everything. It comes out of no where too because usually I just had a really good day the day before.  I start spacing out while I’m trying to do something.  It’s so frustrating because I don’t accomplish anything when I’m like that. I always immediately look for encouragement, pod cast, scriptures whatever. I hate to be in a funk because it  can last a while and turn into a mini meltdown. I stop and appreciate all the little things. Maybe it is a time reflection… I don’t know. It gets my attention tho and I can’t help but try and find a way out. Anybody else know this feeling??? What do you do in times like this??

Where am I?

Have you ever felt like you were losing it?

Like what was I thinking, how did I get here type thing?

Am I hearing voices or am I talking to myself?

Am I going to be okay,  and do other people feel this?

How did I get home, I don’t even remember leaving work?

Is it Saturday yet? Can my boss just stop calling?

Where are my kids? Oh wait I picked them up?

(check on your friends please)

The Only Person You Should Compete With Is Who You Were Yesterday!

You will never be satisfied when you compare yourself with anyone else. No two people are alike and that’s what makes life interesting. There maybe some things people do better and their will definitely be people who you think look better. What you don’t know is that some people may prefer you over them.  Which shouldn’t matter because you should prefer you over them. The only way to be happy with exactly who you are is to always strive to do more. If you have goals to chase you never have time to worry about anybody being better. (and what means a person better? we don’t know the hell people go through) Do those things that bring you peace, like publishing a book, feeding the homeless, taking yoga, playing the guitar, etc. Most of us just want to have a purpose and feel like we are making a difference. When your at peace with where you are going and what you’re doing you don’t have time to focus on every body else.  Don’t let your dreams stay dreams, make them goals that turn into accomplishment. No one could ever make a better you. It’s funny when people try to compare Jordan to Lebron. Lebron could never be Jordan and there won’t be another Lebron. None of the factors even add up, they don’t have the same team, skill set or upbringing,  so why try to compare? That’s the same with you and anybody else.  You were raised different, went through different things, knew different things, had different resources and opportunities. It makes no sense to compare the two.  Just be the best you, you can be. (quote by Aunt Cheryl)