I Just UN-Broke My Heart!

Maybe Love is natural. It’s something you do automatically but it doesn’t necessarily mean that you care about the person. I personally love everybody without ever really trying. I hear that someone is hurting and natural I feel something, although it does not affect me at all, or mean that I will do anything about it. I was born with love built-in but that does not make me care about you. You have to know a person to care and you can choose not to care. (for many reasons.) It’s okay to love everyone and not necessarily need to be apart of their lives. My husband brought this to my attention last week and I realized how right he was. I’ve never stopped loving someone but I can choose to forget about them entirely. I don’t believe that Love is the ultimate goal, caring is the goal. You may have a good reason not to care. For me personally, if you mentally abuse me or have false impact on my life I do not care for you. You don’t start showing actions until you care about someone. Love is the basic, what you do automatically. Not wanting others to suffer is love, making sure they do not suffer is caring about them. Caring is action driven not just an emotion you can choose not to act upon. So do you love me or care about me? (huge difference) If you don’t plan to add to my life in any way you simply love me and that’s cool, It’s all love! It’s important you love but it’s shows through your priorities when you care about someone.

Thoughts: I understand that this may be hard to understand for some. All my life I thought love was everything. Now it make sense why my heart was broken so many times. They did love me. My dad loved me, that boy loved me but how much did they care should have been my focus. We were all confused, I can’t hold that against them.

Let You Be

I like my hair nappy and my clothes comfortable… I do not have time to keep up with the cool kids. I just want to feel good and be happy. There is so much pressure to look like the women in the spot light. Then what makes us unique? Plus what fun are we if we fix all the things that make us different. I don’t want a perfect body I want a healthy body. I don’t want to look like I have money I want to actually have money. I’ve learned to care about myself over the thoughts of anyone else. I don’t need approval to be who I am. I am who I am and who I choose to be. I often find myself rethinking my hair and my outfit not because I don’t like it but because I know it’s not what’s hot!! Which I wish never crossed my mind, because who cares. (To many of us) It is some good that comes from it tho. If I was to do everything I felt I would have a tattoo of all things beautiful on me. I know there is still a certain judgement I am not willing to accept because I want to be given a fair chance to make an impact on others. I guess we just have to find a balance. I love being free, not following the rules and accepting how magical everything really is. Everything I am is intentional.

Believe…

I was watching Jane The Virgin and an episode where the twins told Mateo there was no tooth fairy broke my heart. I totally get that people do not want to lie to their children, I’m so not one of those people. I love the things we believe in before we know better. The fact that we believe a little fairy sneaks into our houses at night to exchange a tooth with money is so sweet. Innocence is what makes a child so sweet. As adults we have to rationalize everything that happens which usually ruins all the fun. I don’t want to be one of those adults that takes that away from a child. If they start to question the tooth fairy then they question the Santa, and after a while they can’t even imagine the dinosaurs in the living room. Children will eventually have to start rationalizing things, it’s so cute watching them grow. Why not wait for it to happen naturally? I understand that beliefs get in the way and all that but come on, it can’t hurt then. I love the looks on my babies faces during Christmas when they see all these gifts from some awesome dude name Santa, who felt like they were good enough for gifts. Even if I didn’t believe in Jesus, which I do I would still let the celebrate. Magic is something to believe in, the beginning of growing faith.  

 

Happy Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is hard. I want to celebrate but I can’t help being sad for all the people without their mother’s. This holiday is so all in your face no one can ignore it. I am blessed to have my mother. I celebrate her everyday by listening to her complain and calling her when I don’t really want anything and trying to make her come over for no real reason but I just want her there. We have to appreciate people while we can. But be sensitive because this day is hard for a lot of people. I want to believe that even when your mother is gone she can still hear you, because she is mother and that never stops. Love her through your life. And if you never knew her I bet she can still fell you some how so don’t be angry with her, love her because she gave you life. Mother’s are special because their love is with you even if their not, Happy Mother’s Day!

Give me a sign…

I’m a sign girl… So I’m always looking up to sky saying give me a sign Lord, and it has never failed. I always look forward to a sign to reassure me that I’m moving in the right direction. Some times I get a sign and need a bigger sign lol. I know God is tired of me! When I thought my husband would never ask me to marry him I was so annoyed. I’m just like “God why would you even tell me he was my husband if he’s never going to be ready to be.” He proposed the next few days, why hadn’t I asked sooner? I’m so dramatic I know but I just hate to make the wrong move. I knew I wasn’t suppose to be with my child’s father and I prayed about it, same night I had a dream that told me to run and never look back. Then later on I needed another sign so I wouldn’t go back, smh. When my job gets to stressful and I feel like giving up I ask for a sign. The numbers on the clock align and I just eat that up, knowing a change is about to come and oh do they come all at once. I am telling you, life is so magical when you believe that God is real, and listening and inside of you. I’ve had plenty people try to take that away from me, but there is no way I would ever give that up. Even the church tried to put doubt in my heart but when you know something for yourself on a very personal level, there is nothing anyone can do or say to change your mind. You just know what you know and when you don’t you ask for a sign.

?Unidentifiable Stage?

Sometimes I find myself in a really awkward spot. Like I don’t know if I’m sad I just know I’m not happy. I can’t write anything or concentrate on my books. (which I absolutely love) I just don’t know what I’m doing with my life. All of sudden I question everything. It comes out of no where too because usually I just had a really good day the day before.  I start spacing out while I’m trying to do something.  It’s so frustrating because I don’t accomplish anything when I’m like that. I always immediately look for encouragement, pod cast, scriptures whatever. I hate to be in a funk because it  can last a while and turn into a mini meltdown. I stop and appreciate all the little things. Maybe it is a time reflection… I don’t know. It gets my attention tho and I can’t help but try and find a way out. Anybody else know this feeling??? What do you do in times like this??

Where am I?

Have you ever felt like you were losing it?

Like what was I thinking, how did I get here type thing?

Am I hearing voices or am I talking to myself?

Am I going to be okay,  and do other people feel this?

How did I get home, I don’t even remember leaving work?

Is it Saturday yet? Can my boss just stop calling?

Where are my kids? Oh wait I picked them up?

(check on your friends please)