So Basically…

So basically all of the black men accused of a crime is going down.( which makes perfect sense because) Hell yes they deserve it, (if they did it) but this ain’t even about that. All of the men and women abusers should be held accountable. All of them, white and black, non-political and political. The justice system has always failed us and it’s ridiculous. When do we get the same treatment, when do their men pay. At first I was very nonchalant about it but I’m pissed off now. I mean our people are being killed in prison, raped at at home, shot in the street, sentenced to life on circumstantial evidence and taken to prison at 80 when men are getting off for the exact same crime. They deserve to be where ever the hell we are. Our choices should decide where we end up in life, not our skin color! This is Bull Shit and I respect no place that does not respect me.

I’m not mean…

People really don’t get me. It’s so annoying wanting to be a friend and no one really understanding what that means for you. All friends should respect the other’s views, feeling and spirit. My spirit is very sensitive and I can not be around all types of people. I will become literally sick being around negativity. I let people know when I can’t take anymore of the gossip or complaining or just bad mouthing life, like there is no God. If they are the kind that would be offended I simply talk to them less often. God extends his grace everyday and people rather focus on their struggles. I hate to hurt people’s feeling, I just ask that you respect mine. I am naturally a healer, I want to help everyone feel better and do better, but I can’t. I can’t if they choose to have a closed mind, I can’t if they can’t change perspectives, I can’t if they want the pity party, I can’t if they refuse to help. I’ve heard a ton of people say I was mean. I can see why they would feel that way but I hate hearing that with a passion. I am the person who says something 5 times and realize nobody understood, heard or cared. It’s only when I need something to be known and it’s been said before that I become very straight forward. I do change my tone sometimes, other times I say it jokingly but you can tell I’m serious. I know that seems assholish, but so ignoring someone. I don’t get the same respect as others and I’m not sure why but I won’t ever be okay with it. I will not continue to be called mean or get ignored. I will simply cut you out of my life. I try to focus on how I can help someone and if I don’t have the skill set, I won’t even try. My friends get me what I need just like I do for them, so no one is just taking in the relationship. That’s the only kind of friendship I desire.

I can remember the first time I was raped by a boyfriend. That’s when I developed a love and hate relationship with sex. This wasn’t like the time my crazy ex made me have sex with him in drive way because when we were young I said I would have his baby. No this was a lot different, this actually broke my heart. I mean I said I loved him and I was so good to him. He was mean at times but I thought he cared about me. The day I was mad at him and told him no, I figured out that wasn’t true. Of course I didn’t ever bring it up but I was crushed. I told him no and he pushed me and drug my in the hall. He had sex with me and it was painful. I didn’t scream out loud but I was screaming inside and I was burning inside. I was dying inside. I never realized that moments like those went to back of my mind but my body sure remembers. One moment can affect forever.

Life is so all over the place. I feel personally attacked as a woman, a wife, and a mother. I feel like this is best time in my life oddly enough. I feel like I am being made strong and receiving the reassurance I need. I have never in my life felt so good about the decisions I make as a woman, a mother and a wife. When most people would break down I found confidence in who I am. I have always tried to give my full self in everything, especially involving my family. That is the one thing that matters at the end of the day. Nothing in the world is more important. Some how this is exact what is needed. I am here for it God. Yes, I’ve postponed a lot of personal goals but none of that means anything without my family being okay. I’ve always prayed against the storm but this is just what I needed to get myself together. I know that I lacked the confidence to being the best I can be, but I’ve found it!! My husband is a lucky man, because I will be whatever he needs. My children are lucky because I will always back them and show them they can always be themselves.  I am a great woman who is making a difference and does make the world better. I am all the God wants me to be and bigger then I’ve ever imagined.