Do you really understand how to be happy?

How to be free?

You can not pretend lying to him is fun. 

Secretly you know everything could be ruined in one conversation. 

Deleting all those messages can’t give you joy, although you smile while you press delete. 

Let’s not even think about the kids.

Have you ever thought to tell him you needs. 

You do believe he loves you, right? 

Can you not handle being honest, or can he not handle it? 

Is it selfish not giving him the opportunity to give you the desires of your flesh?

You don’t have to answer, I was just wondering. 

I don’t always feel you

But I’m sure you’re there

I can’t always hear you

But I’m quiet just in case

Lord I’m aware that you are present

I’m aware that you see me

So I want you to be impressed

By the life I live even when you don’t

Tend to my needs right away. I know

That you can but is it your will?

No matter how many books you read or how many classes you take.

I thought I was getting another chance with my second time.  I wanted to do things better, this go round. I was in a better position. I was married now and I had a job. It was going to be so much easier. How wrong was I? I cried a lot more nights and was tired a lot more days. Going back to work when my breast fed baby was 3 weeks old was the dumbest thing I ever did. When I finally got home he cried so much. It wasn’t enough time for him to bond with me. My own baby didn’t like me. With the first one I breast and bottle fed. He started sleeping through the night at months old and he was content with just hearing my voice. Yes, I spent nights crying when I was sleep deprived but we were good. Carrying my first son was easy, I still felt like me. My body had changed a lot when I was pregnant with my second son. The stretching and tearing, Oh God. The kicks to ribs so hard they were moved out of place. What was thinking wanting more kids after this? I took a million parenting classes with the first baby, with the second I read a million books. I was going to be the most loving, gentle parent. How cute was I? I have to leave the room daily for a break so I can stop yelling and get myself together. Being a parent is hard. Pregnancy is hard. Being a woman is hard. Kids change you and I’ve spent a lot of time trying to give them the love I think every child deserves. I get new chances everyday and i’m so grateful.

I was looking for love…

I was looking for love at the age of 12.

Everybody was out having fun, skipping class. 

I was in the front of the class learning and and try and trying to retain my math.

I was looking for love at the age of 13. 

Everyone had boyfriends, looking cute and holding hands. 

Mean while my innocence had already been took. 

I was looking for love at the age of 14. 

There you are having fun, thinking you know everything. 

I was at church repenting and getting me a purity ring. 

I was looking for love at the age of 15. 

Everyone had friends and played sports, they would win. 

I was in my room throwing shit and screaming fuck everything.

I was looking for love at the age of 16.

Everyone was going to parties and glowing up. 

I was still trying to explain why I want to date girls who look like guys instead. 

I was looking for love at age 17. 

Everyone was doing their own thing. 

I was watching my back not know when my crazy ex would come back. 

I was looking for love at 18 . 

Everyone was about graduate, had a career plan and everything. 

I was pregnant and disappointed, cause I was still missing something. 

I was loving for love at 19. 

Everyone was getting jobs and moving out, doing big things. 

I was crying at night because my baby was hungry and I needed some sleep. 

I was looking for love 20. 

I was looking for love at 21.

I was looking for love at 22.

One day I finally looked in the mirror. 

I had been looking for me. 

I am love and love is me.  

Mama said… women are the devil.

I know, I know.

I’m a little crazy.

I hope I don’t scare you to much.

I know I don’t always make sense, but you don’t know what goes on inside my head.

I see the evil going on around me.

I know it looks innocent to you.

But that girl works for the devil.

She sold out long ago, she has no morals anymore.

I know you used to know her.

That’s a different person now.

I wish you could be her friend.

But my spirit senses that she is not right.

I know I sound dramatic, but if I’m right would it be worth it.

Don’t lose me to no trick of the enemy.

It’s Not You It’s Me…

I can’t just be your friend.

I can’t just be your friend and ignore those dumb ass decisions.

I can’t just be your friend and not hurt when you’re sad.

I can’t just be your friend and not cheer you up.

I can’t just be your friend you not wanna slap the guy that broke your heart.

I can’t just be your friend and not except you to do what you say.

I can’t just be your friend and let you be depressed.

I can’t just be your friend.

So if you not ready don’t come to me to just be your friend. – IT’s not you it’s me